- Black hawk down, black hawk down.
Loan wolf Leonard trapped deep behind enemy lines.
Mission critical.
- Phillip, what are you doing?
- Laundry.
- At this hour?
- Sheets, wet.
- But you haven't, for ages.
- Have, did, hide it, excuse me.
- It was rainy day season for Phillip.
Just when he thought he was cured forever,
now here we was, wetting the bed again.
In the weeks since Marjorie passed away,
he hadn't had a dry night.
Lucky for Phillip, Mum had bonded
with the computer and was too lost in
cyberspace to notice. - Thanks for da add.
Can I has cheezblog, lol?
- I think your mother's invented a new language.
- It's an internet thing.
- What you understand this?
- I'm social networking.
I'm meeting all kinds of new and interesting people,
and discovering a few old friends too.
Well, there was one, I've plussed Neville.
- You what?
- Plussing, adding a user name to your friends database.
- Neville Loman?
- Yeah, we hooked up a while back.
- Hooked up, okay, when two consenting persons--
- Yeah, no I get it, yeah thank you Phillip, thank you.
- Who's Neville?
- He's, he's my Vicky, if you know what I mean.
- You mean he's a strangely precocious 13-year-old girl?
- No, I mean he was my first love.
- Your first love.
Does that mean he was your best?
- Now there's a question.
I'm off to work.
- Don't forget your lunch.
- Nope.
- I'll get it.
Welcome to the Leonard residence.
- Shake the hand that shook the world.
Thought you had a friend.
- I'm Phillip. - Yeah, course you are.
Like your moves P Dog.
- Who are you?
- Neville Loman, legendary showman,
and salesman extraordinaire.
- Come and meet my Mum.
- Foxy.
- Neville.
It's really you.
You should have called or given us some warning.
- And wasted precious seconds?
I was an arrow in flight, my love.
You must be Rocky.
- Lockie.
- Well lock up your daughters.
- You look like my Dad.
- I could have been your Dad.
Neville had gotten Mum away
from the computer, but where to was another question.
Judging by her clothes, somewhere near 1989.
- Glad to meet you finally.
- Amazing we've never met before.
Thanks for letting me sleep on your couch.
- You, make yourself at home.
- Oo.
Meanwhile, just as Phillip
was struggling to live without Marjorie,
it seemed like somehow she'd come back.
- That's Marjorie's motorbike.
- Are you Phillip Leonard?
- Yeah.
- My name is Arnold Grabbit,
from Grabbit, Take-it and Steal.
Lawyers acting for one Marjorie Beaumont,
from whose last will and testament I shall now read,
subsection four, clause one, as amended.
I, Marjorie Beaumont, do hereby bequeath my 2-wheeled
motorised vehicle, with sidecar, to Phillip Leonard
in perpetuity, not withstanding all considerations
legal and otherwise, including but not limited
to fire, flood, larceny and cattle.
The bike's yours kid.
Obey the road rules.
- The fact that Phillip had
half a decade to wait till he could legally ride
a motorbike didn't seem to bother Marjorie.
Didn't bother Phillip either.
He loved the bike anyway.
But it sure bothered the Sarge.
- He's 12-years-old.
What's he gonna do with a motorbike?
- Hopefully not ride it.
You are not to ride it.
- Okay, but can I keep it?
- No, it's just gonna sit there
like some sort of temptation.
- But if I promise not to start it up.
- If he doesn't start it up, where's the harm?
- Yeah, where's the harm?
- If you don't mind Neville,
this is between the family and I.
- Hey, hey, I know what you're thinking,
but I'm on your side.
- You are? - Yeah.
We should have a party.
- Yeah, that's a great idea.
- A big, wild, crazy party.
- Take your minds off the hard times.
- You said it brother.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Things had been weird with Egg and me.
Ever since he brushed me to hang out
with his new friend Curtis.
So what have you been up to?
- I've been hanging out on my own.
Keeping out of trouble.
- Egg, fancy seeing you here.
It's been ages.
- Who invited you?
- Lockie.
- Did I?
- Let's go inside?
- Yeah.
- Hey, wait for me.
- Save one for later.
Although they're hardly about to go begging.
- Mr. Squasher, I didn't know you were coming.
- Phillip invited me.
- You know much about this Loman character?
- Not personally, he's an old friend of Joy's.
- The man is staying in your home.
I'd have thought a full background check
would have been in order.
- I can't believe you threw me a party, very generous.
- It was your idea.
- It's a great idea.
So, rest of the crew on their way?
- No I think this is everyone.
- Excellent, intimate, feelin' it.
- So how come you and Mom broke up?
- Phillip, that's a very personal question.
- I disappeared.
- Where to?
- I was arrested for a crime I didn't commit.
- Gaol?
- Solitary confinement.
One meal a day, bread, piece of orange.
I decided to escape.
I decided to cut my way out.
All I had was the rind from a piece of orange.
Once I'd escaped the guards, I swam the length of the river.
Made it to the riverbank, but right there, big crocodile.
- What did you do?
- Slipped past him, underwater.
That's when I discovered it, the oil.
Scientists call it the eighth wonder of the world.
- I'm a scientist.
- P Dog, I know you are.
I got something for you that could be just
the greatest scientific discovery this century.
Ladies and gentlemen, Snake Hide Oil.
- What is it?
Neville gave us the pitch.
The whole song and dance.
- It's ratified in Geneva by a team
of biochemists from Norway.
- Wow.
- And you people here tonight have the opportunity
to get in on the ground floor.
And I'm not just talking about buying this stuff.
No, no, I'm talking about selling it.
Have a look at this, P Dog.
If you sign up to be a salesperson with Snake Hide Oil,
you will make up to $2,000 a month.
- $2,000 a month?
- And that's just to start.
You throw a couple hundred my way for royalties,
then we all make some money, everyone here.
- Nobody seemed to mind that Neville
turned his welcome to Angelus party
into a sales conference for Snake Oil.
They were all impressed, well, almost everyone.
Sarge suspected Neville might be some kind of suspect.
- There's no Neville Loman in the files.
- I bet here's there somewhere, look again.
- Let's just, let's just leave it for now.
- Phillip on the other hand was hooked.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Snake Hide Oil unlocks the power
of our stem cells, stimulates cell growth
and regeneration, and all for just $49.95.
- Hey I'll take one. - Me too.
- Phillip had the sales thing down,
but was struggling in other areas.
He hadn't slept for days, so as not to wet the bed.
Phillip.
- I wish I was old enough to ride this bike.
- You should get some sleep.
- I will, I will.
- There he is, the champion salesman, yeah.
- Neville, I don't understand.
If, if you get everybody selling Snake Oil,
aren't you just creating competition for yourself?
- I'm a true believer.
- If you get enough people selling for you,
you can make all the money without doing any of the work.
- Yeah well, that's possible.
- Yawning, come on.
A real champion never sleeps, bring it.
- I must be a real champion then.
- Didn't you get any sleep?
- Nah.
- Why not?
- He was up early, cleaning Marjorie's bike.
- Yeah, what he said.
- Hey, what's say you and me go for a spin
on that bike to the next town.
Hit the highway, make some sales, you and me.
- Really?
- Absolutely, I promise.
- So glad to be out of that classroom.
- Yeah, except I got detention so
I'm going back inside I guess, all week.
- Hey, right.
- What are you doing?
- Um, dunno, whatever.
- Have fun.
- Egg was in another galaxy,
stuck in enrichment class.
- Hey, wait up.
- But he was trying hard to make
his own way, which for Egg meant trying to impress Curtis.
- What?
- I just remembered, I've got detention all week too.
- What for?
- Just a bunch of stuff, you know.
Shall we go?
- You don't talk, you don't leave your desks.
Your heads down, and you write out your lines.
Is that clear?
- Yes, sir.
- Stop scuffing your feet.
The floor's just been polished and made new again.
I'll be back shortly.
- Hey, fancy seeing you here, Egg.
- What are you doing here?
- We're on detention.
You know her?
- Kind of.
- Wow.
Curtis always said wow
when he saw a girl he liked.
- Actually, I have detention come to think of it.
- Wow. - No you don't.
- Yes I do, I do.
- You don't even have a pen or paper.
- Thanks. - Wow.
- At least somebody's a gentleman.
- Out on the frontline of sales,
Mum wasn't doing so well.
- I think it's...
It's possible she lacked
the killer instinct.
- It's good, I think, I haven't tried it myself.
But here have some, for free.
- Mom was out of her depth.
And she wasn't the only one.
- What?
- Check it out, she's ruling lines with a ruler.
- But that's what you do in detention, lines.
- You write out lines, like,
I must behave better in the classroom.
You write that out.
Admit it, you've never had detention before.
- Yes I have.
- Yo, people.
- Don't tell me you have detention too.
- E Dog chill, clock this, Snake Hide Oil,
scientifically proven to stop the ageing process.
I've got what you want, let's make a deal.
- Forget it Mr. Salesman, we're not buying.
- Guaranteed to keep your skin younger, fresher, smoother.
- Didn't you hear what I said?
We're not interested.
- Actually, younger skin, that sounds cool.
- How much younger do you want to look?
- I'll take one.
- I haven't even give you the full pitch yet.
- I'll take one, for my friend, Sasha.
- I'm good, I'm really, really good.
- Mum finally had to own up to it.
She wasn't going to make anybody rich.
- Foxy, hey.
Are you gonna buy into the business or what?
- I'm not sure I'm the right kind of person.
- Course you are.
I'm letting you in for almost nothing, for old times' sake.
You can buy in for say, $10,000 cash.
- Neville, this isn't about money.
It's about your feelings, isn't it?
- Is there a difference?
- You know, once upon a time, I was a material girl.
And you were a smooth operator.
- Yeah.
- Love was our battlefield,
and at the time, it was all good.
- Right.
- But now it's like, I can't get into the groove.
Neville,
I'm not your lucky star.
- Foxy, whatever?
Are you gonna give me the $10,000 cash or not?
- No.
- In detention, Sasha was trying
to look unimpressed with Egg.
She was hoping this would somehow impress him.
But Egg was too busy break dancing,
trying to impress Curtis.
And Curtis was pretending to be impressed with Egg,
to somehow impress Sasha.
And no one in this bizarre love triangle
noticed the pen that Egg stood on and crushed
and spread ink all over the shiny new floor, until.
- No, the floor.
- It was way too late.
- Squash is gonna kill us.
- Not me, I'm outta here.
- What?
- It's nothing to do with me.
I wasn't even supposed to be here in the first place.
- What are we gonna do?
Turns out Snake Hide Oil
had more than one use.
It doubled as a floor cleaner too.
Perhaps it was a floor cleaner.
- Where are your lines?
- Australia's champion salesman ready for the road trip.
- What about a sandwich and a glass of milk?
- No, not hungry.
Tell Nev to fire up Marjorie's bike.
Where is he?
- He had to go somewhere.
- Going somewhere in a hurry?
- It wasn't my fault.
I didn't mean to go fast, it was an accelerator malfunction.
- That's the worst excuse I've ever heard.
- You know, you have very beautiful eyes.
- Are you talking to me, or Senior Constable Snowden?
- Well, you're both very attractive.
- Hey, you've got Neville, nice.
- We have.
- You don't like him very much do you?
- No, that's not true, he's a friend of your mother's.
- That's mostly why you don't like him.
Are you jealous because he was first?
I mean, he was Mum's boyfriend before you.
- No, I'm not jealous.
- You sure?
- Not completely.
I like to think of myself as someone
who gives people the benefit of the doubt.
- Yeah, you do.
- It's just with Neville, there's a little bit
more doubt than benefit, if you know what I mean.
- Phillip was really looking forward
to the bike ride with Neville.
- Well, I think they've made enough sales.
- I wasn't just about the sales, for Phillip.
He misses Marjorie.
- You promised my son you'd take him for a motorbike ride.
That meant more to him than you can imagine.
- Well, I was gonna do that.
- No, you weren't.
It's tough on people when you
make promises and don't deliver.
- You're right, I'm all talk.
I've never been able to stay in one place.
I've got to get up and get out.
Hit that long, lonesome highway.
- You do that, Neville, there are your keys.
- I respect you, Sarge.
You don't talk it up.
You've got a great wife, great kids.
I wish I were you, you're the bomb.
- Well I appreciate you saying that, Neville.
- If there's anything I can do for you.
- Try and observe the speed limit.
- Oo.
- Neville, there is one thing, take off your clothes.
Well, the thing is, Phil Doggy Dog,
we won't be able to ride to the next town,
but, ho-ho, we can sure go for a ride around this one.
- Hey, I can tell it's you.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be, I like you better.
- But I'm, I'm not very good at talking it up.
- The money, the glamour.
- Exactly.
- Do you want to go for a ride anyway?
("Pennywhistle" by Augie March)
Sunset surfs are the best.
If only Phillip could surf.
It might wear him out enough to finally get some sleep.
But then, maybe I needn't have worried.
Thanks to Sarge, it seems he found his own way
back to dry, sunny days again.